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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Lust List

I'm so glad I'm a woman, primarily because I'm not reliant on letters of the alphabet to tell me how attractive I think someone is (you know the letters I'm talking about...C...DD..FF...). Oh, I appreciate a nice piece of eye candy as much as the next female (the current completely shallow object of my desire is achingly cute Corey Patterson of the Baltimore Orioles) but there's more to me than just hormones and a pretty face. In order to prove it, I present to you, in no particular order, my list of the most desirable unhot guys in America. They weren't blessed with the genetic makeup that results in physical beauty, but as another of my favorite (and very hot) guys Prince once said, baby, they're rich with per-so-na-li-ty.

Without further adieu...

Top Ten Un-Hot Men I Would Totally Do

1. Henry Waxman-A physically unassuming guy who reminds one a bit of Simon the Singing Chipmunk, Waxman is the man in the House from whom the Bush administration has the most to fear. The architect of many laws aimed at protecting the common good (the Clean Air Act, several food-and-drug safety acts,) Waxman spent the past few years in the minority, relentlessly taking on the administration on everything from bad Iraq intelligence to fraud and abuse in the contracting system. Remember all those Big Tobacco CEOs lined up, saying, "I believe cigarettes are not addictive?" Waxman's doing. Now, as chairman of the House Oversight Committee, Waxman is the administration's worst nightmare with subpoena power. It's enough to make a liberal girl swoon in anticipation.

2. Jack Cafferty-Crabbiest, most ballsy guy on CNN. He just doesn't give a shit. Wolf Blitzer, take note: Jack would NEVER have said a pansy-ass thing like "I really like your daughter" on the air while getting a stare down from Dick Cheney during an interview. Jack would have said something like, "No, you're out of line, Mr. Vice President. Now answer the goddamn question!" I tell you, fearlessness is a turn-on.

3. Al Franken-A younger version of Lewis Black, which isn't saying much for either of them, Al is a smart guy who can take apart any right wing talking point simply by stating the facts. He also proved to the world that Bill O'Reilly was a liar while Bill O. was standing next to him sputtering. That alone should be enough to get you liberal ladies' juices flowing.

4. Patrick Leahy-Ok, he's old enough to be my grandfather, but there's just something so majestical and decorous about him....virile, resolute...and the way he gets his mouth around statements like,"I want testimony under oath. I am sick and tired of getting half-truths on this!"...well, it just sends me, baby.

5. Dennis Kucinich-He could be the stand in for Pinocchio, but he steams up the House with his sexy stands on the death penalty, rural communities, the Iraq War, and the environment. Clearly, I am not the only one to fall victim to his amorous charms; he's been married three times, and his third wife, Elizabeth Harper, is 30 years younger than he is and a total babe.

6. Michael Moore-With his beer gut, chronic five o'clock shadow and ratty looking baseball caps, you'd never guess that Moore is Public Enemy #1 for a lot of conservatives who are absolutely furious that there's a reali live liberal out there who can take them on and beat them at their own game. A master media manipulator who likes nothing better than a good fight-especially when the opposition is corporate America or the Bush administration-Moore's relentless and over-the-top exposes of the administration's lies has made him, in the immortal words of Fat Bastard, "dead sexy."

7. Jim Hightower-Normally I don't find anything about Texas attractive, and guys in cowboy hats even less so, but populist commentator Hightower works it, baby. There is something immensely sexy about a guy who championed organic crop production, alternative crops, and pesticide regulation while working as the Agricultural Commissioner in ground zero of conservative politics.

8. Noam Chomsky-Chomsky is a man blessed not only with no looks, but also no charm and certainly no humor. Unlike, say, an Al Franken, his EQ rating hovers around zero, and making friends seems to be the last thing he is interested in. He's crankier than Henry David Thoreau. But he makes the list because he's the smartest guy in the room, and he has no patience for the overbearing blowhards that he believes are putting the very existence of the United States in jeopardy through their a"imperial grand strategy." I dare any progressive woman to read Failed States or Hegemony of Survival without needing a cold shower.

9. Tom Andrews-A fellow Mainer and my former congressional representative, the balding, slight Andrews essentially sacrificed a promising political career over a vote of conscience-voting to close the Limestone Air Force Base in the northern part of the state. Now, as if standing by a principle to your own detriment isn't cool enough, Andrews is currently the national director of Win Without War, an organization opposing Bush Iraq policy. Best of all, he totally owned Tom DeLay and Richard Perle on Meet the Press recently...thinking about that moment keeps me up at night.

10. Tom Englehart-Goofy looking editor of tomdispatch.com, a site designed "for anyone in despair over post-September 11th US mainstream media coverage of our world and ourselves." Anyone trying to get out the truth in this world of corporate-controlled media is the definition of sexy in this day and age!

I'm sure there are others, but that's a good start. Please let me know if I have left out any of your particular favorite unhot guys who get your motor running.

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